Dream Deep

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/accidentsmishaps/a/barrel_bricks.htm

I am a general contractor and heard this story from an insurance investigator:
A bricklayer working on a three-story-tall chimney had set up a pulley system so that his helper could raise the bricks up to where he needed them. As he was working, his helper complained about how difficult it would be to get the last of the bricks up to the flat roof of the building. Just then another contractor had some material delivered and it was placed on the roof by a fork lift brought to unload it. The bricklayer asked if the driver would load the rest of the bricks up there as well and the driver agreed. The bricklayer realized that he would not need his helper any more and sent him home.
When the bricklayer completed the chimney he noticed that he had quite a few bricks left over and that the fork lift was no longer at the jobsite. Now he had to figure out how to get the leftover bricks back down by himself. If he dropped them, they would surely break. So he decided to use the pulley he had set up earlier to lower them down.
First he went down to the ground and raised a large metal bucket up to the roof level using the rope and pulley. Next, he tied the rope off onto a railing and climbed back up to the roof and loaded the bricks into the bucket. Then he went back down to the ground. He knew that the bricks would be heavy, so he wrapped the rope around his hand a couple of times and then untied the end of the rope with his other hand. Well, the bricks were heavier than he imagined and with physics being as it is, he was immediately launched upwards at a high rate of speed.
As he was racing up towards the roof he encountered the bucket full of bricks coming down at an equally fast rate. He collided with the bucket and broke his nose and his shoulder. The bucket passed him by as he sped upwards. He reached the pulley just before the bucket hit the ground and broke a few of his fingers as they were pulled into the pulley. When the bucket hit the ground, its bottom fell out and all of the bricks spilled onto the ground. Now the fun reversed. As the now light bucket sped upwards, the mason took a shot to the groin when one of his legs slipped into the empty bucket.
He then tilted enough to fall out of the bucket and continued with his gravity experiment. Eventually he landed on top of the pile of bricks and broke both feet. He collapsed in pain there on the bricks, but was glad to be alive. He let go off the rope and cried out for help.
It was then that the bucket hit him in the head and fractured his skull.

Analysis: This is quite an old story, reckoned by folklorists to date back at least 70 years. It’s a comedy staple, in fact, having turned up in numerous recordings, radio shows, movies and novels since the 1930s. It was published as a “True Fact” by National Lampoon in 1986, when it also happened to be circulating as office faxlore. More recently it has been sighted on email joke lists and Websites.

Two bums are walking along. One says:

Wanna play 20 questions?

wuzzat?

‘S a game. I think of sumpn, n you git 20 yes-no questions t’ guess it. If you
git it in lessn 20, you win. If ya don’t, I win.

okay. less try ‘er.

OK – I’m thinking’ uh sumpn.

kin you eat it?

Uh – I reckon, yes.

is it mule dick?

One morning the husband returns after several hours
of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up
alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am.

What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies (thinking, “Isn’t that
obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs
her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m
reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know
you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and

write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual
assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game
warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For
all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s
likely she can also think.

A present from Tiffany Bogans
January30, 2008.

Stress Management Good Advice!

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g.

The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance.

In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.

“So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can. Relax; pick them up later after you’ve rested. Life is short. Enjoy it!”

And then he shared some ways of dealing with the burdens of life:

* Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

* Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

* Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

* Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

* If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

* It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

* Never buy a car you can’t push.

* Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won’t have a leg to stand on.

* Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

* Since it’s the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

* The second mouse gets the cheese.

* When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

* Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

* You may be only one person in the world to some people, but to one person, you may be the world.

* Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

* We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have
weird names, and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

* A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

A present from Susan Schmerling sschmerling@sbcglobal.net

SENILITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.

She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes,
I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God,I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

A present from Jack Bieler
5.II.2008

The evils of thinking

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then — just to loosen up.



Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.



I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.



That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother’s.



I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.



I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly we are doing here?”



One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”



This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”



”I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!”



”But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, lower lip aquiver.



“You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”



”That’s a faulty syllogism,” I said impatiently.



She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.



“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.



I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn’t open. The library was closed.



To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.



You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.



This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.



I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.”

Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.



I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.



Today I took the final step…I joined the Republican Party.

A present from Jack Bieler
15.II.MMVIII

Just a line to say I’m living,
That I’m not amongst the dead,
Though I’m getting more forgetful,
And mixed up in the head.

I’ve got used to my arthritis,
To my dentures I’m resigned,
I can cope with my bifocals,
But Lord I miss my mind.

Sometimes I can’t remember,
When I’m standing by the stairs,
If I should be going up for something,
Or have I just come down from there?

And before the fridge so often,
My mind is full of doubt,
Now did I just put some food away,
Or come to take some out?

If it’s not my turn to write dear,
I hope you won’t get sore,
I may think I have written,
And don’t want to be a bore.

So remember I do love you,
And wish that you lived near,
And now it’s time to mail this,
And to say goodbye my dear.

At last I stand beside the mailbox,
And my face – it sure is red,
Instead of posting this to you –
I’ve opened it instead!

Author Unknown

First heard on a tape by Ram Dass
(I forget which one)

http://www.nabble.com/Driving-While-Unconscious-t3155022.html

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in; she turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”

His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.”

Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, he asked, “What was that all about?”

She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.

A present from Jack Bieler
June 19, 2007.

The Boss Had to Fire Somebody: He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said: “Debra, I’ve never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like shit.”

A present from Robo 9.I.2007

Man sitting next to woman in plane:

– Hi – what’s your name?

– My name is Carmen, a very appropriate name, for it tells what I like: cars,
and men. What’s your name?

– Beerfuck.

A present from Beatriz Decat
June 11, 2005.